Tag Archives: Grace

Jesus nirvana

i’m sure that with this long hiatus, many of my readers have flown the coop. not that i had that many readers to begin with…

but here i am again, nonetheless. who knows for how long i’ll be here again…or how long my next blog hiatus will be.

i’ve had a rocky few months.

but i have discovered so much more about grace. 

i don’t say that to mean that my rocky few months have been spent cussing like a sailor and drinking like a fish, and therefore i needed the grace of God. i need grace ALL the freakin’ time. because whether i’m doing “big stuff” or “little stuff” (how in the heck did we come up with a sin ranking system?) without Jesus, i’m a miserable little shit before God. period.

i remember my professor in college telling me that the way to be saved is not praying a prayer to ask Jesus in to your heart. it’s the understanding of God’s grace through Jesus in our lives and our total need and dependence on it, and only it. not in what we do, but everything about what He has already done.

the past few months God has revealed himself to me in ways that are mindblowing and inexplicable (or unexplainable?). living in a total God moment and feeling the grace that can only come from him at a time when i needed it the most. and there were no doubts, no questions, no nothing. except for pure, childlike wonder and innocence that God had lifted me up and given me the strength to get through a really tough day.

i used to be the kind of person who thought i needed to read my Bible and pray every day and read Spiritual books and shop in the Christian bookstores so that i could make God happy.

and i’m in no way down-playing those things. they are great. and important (maybe not the Christian bookstores so much…)

but if i try to “get it right” for God, it will never, ever be enough.

i guess i don’t know what else to say. everything is coming out sounding cliched. but how do you explain Jesus nirvana? once you experience it, you know.

and this is not just some mountaintop experience. this is real. this is God. all the time. whether i’m having the worst day or the best day. it doesn’t change. God loves me. just the way i am. where i am. what i am.

so whatever a worthless pile of doo doo you are, it doesn’t matter. Jesus thinks you’re pretty awesome. let him forgive you, and then forgive yourself.


and that’s all i have.


off to a Lost marathon, matcha green tea, and perhaps some chocolate.



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finally a chance to breathe. aaah. i’ve got a cup of hot green tea, so life is good. at the moment, anyway. it’s been a busy week..work, work, work. last night i went out with the girls. this morning i had a meeting at work, came home and caught up on housework, had lunch, and now i’m relaxing before i have to go back to work at 5 tonight. then it’s off to football, wings, and beer with friends.

so for now i’ll savor the quiet stillness. read, drink tea, reflect, thank GOD for His blessings for which i so often take for granted.

so next week is thanksgiving. it sure doesn’t feel like it, or at least, i don’t feel like it. i’m not sure what is wrong with me. i guess i’m just getting older. but i truly am thankful for so very much. most of all for grace. i realize that’s such a cheesy churchy thing to say, but it’s true. i’ve been in the miry pit. i’ve been without hope. and now i know.

 Jesus is freaking awesome.

i’m also thankful for a whole bunch of little stupid things, like acorns, snow, tea, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string. ok, now i’m just stealing lines, but you get the idea.

what are you thankful for? feel free to be “stupid”.

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in war and grace

35 freaking degrees right now! i love it!!! with my fleece gloves and Denali jacket i was toasty warm on the way to work. i only wish i could be hiking this morning as the woods are sure to be lovely. oh well.

today i am struggling to learn the art of contentment. there is always something i want. last week it was new clothes, yesterday it was a new car, and today it is a new camera. i have perfectly good camera already. in fact, it is quite fancy with more features than i know how to use, but still, i find myself wanting a newer and sleeker model. the thing is, i know as soon as i’ve had that camera for a couple months, an even better one will come out for which i will yearn. arrgghhh!

last night, a culmination of mildly annoying things resulted in me letting out a string of profanities. i’m not going to tell you what it was that happened because it definitely did not merit me cussing like a sailor. though i can laugh about it now, it is actually quite sobering (and rather embarrassing). where is my mind, where is my heart, if my first response to a negative situation is to say every four letter word that exists? i spent a long time talking with God and listening to him through his Word. yeesh…i am such a mess.

okay, now that you know what a stinking jerk i am, i must say that i have never felt more loved in all my life. lately i find myself smiling and tearing up at odd moments, thinking about my Hero. i’m like a love-sick teenager all over again. i know this all sounds really cheesy and churchy, but it’s true. i spent most of my life thinking i was okay with God, just sinning little sins, but nothing to worry about. but only recently have i really come to understand what Grace is and what a wreck i actually am. Jesus has stepped off the flannel board and into my life.

so, that’s my life today. what a shitty little worm i am and what a Savior i have.

praise you, Jesus.

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shit happens, but so does grace

something happens to me when my family gets together for the holidays, and it is not pretty.

i am the family scape goat, which is much worse than being the blacksheep (although, many times the two go hand in hand). during the days spent together, all those lovely little family tensions are dumped into the pot, brought to a rolling boil, and then poured all over me, because i’m usually the straw that cripples the camel (after having all my buttons pushed).

you will then find me on the bathroom floor in the fetal position.

after much praying, crying, and (cringe) cursing, God gets me up and i trip along like a grasshopper with a broken leg, not quite dignified, back to apologize to everyone. we all make our pleasantries, and usually everything is ok for the duration of the visit.

this happens every christmas and thanksgiving, no matter how prepared i think i am. my family- the loves of my life are also the thorns in my flesh, put on earth to remind me that i need God’s grace all the freaking time.

i can’t tell you how awesome it will be when we are in the total presence of God and will never fight again.

but for now, i raise my glass of murky humility, and toast the Grace that absorbs all the shit in my life, like baking soda on vomit.

Thank you, Jesus.

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