Jesus nirvana

i’m sure that with this long hiatus, many of my readers have flown the coop. not that i had that many readers to begin with…

but here i am again, nonetheless. who knows for how long i’ll be here again…or how long my next blog hiatus will be.

i’ve had a rocky few months.

but i have discovered so much more about grace. 

i don’t say that to mean that my rocky few months have been spent cussing like a sailor and drinking like a fish, and therefore i needed the grace of God. i need grace ALL the freakin’ time. because whether i’m doing “big stuff” or “little stuff” (how in the heck did we come up with a sin ranking system?) without Jesus, i’m a miserable little shit before God. period.

i remember my professor in college telling me that the way to be saved is not praying a prayer to ask Jesus in to your heart. it’s the understanding of God’s grace through Jesus in our lives and our total need and dependence on it, and only it. not in what we do, but everything about what He has already done.

the past few months God has revealed himself to me in ways that are mindblowing and inexplicable (or unexplainable?). living in a total God moment and feeling the grace that can only come from him at a time when i needed it the most. and there were no doubts, no questions, no nothing. except for pure, childlike wonder and innocence that God had lifted me up and given me the strength to get through a really tough day.

i used to be the kind of person who thought i needed to read my Bible and pray every day and read Spiritual books and shop in the Christian bookstores so that i could make God happy.

and i’m in no way down-playing those things. they are great. and important (maybe not the Christian bookstores so much…)

but if i try to “get it right” for God, it will never, ever be enough.

i guess i don’t know what else to say. everything is coming out sounding cliched. but how do you explain Jesus nirvana? once you experience it, you know.

and this is not just some mountaintop experience. this is real. this is God. all the time. whether i’m having the worst day or the best day. it doesn’t change. God loves me. just the way i am. where i am. what i am.

so whatever a worthless pile of doo doo you are, it doesn’t matter. Jesus thinks you’re pretty awesome. let him forgive you, and then forgive yourself.


and that’s all i have.


off to a Lost marathon, matcha green tea, and perhaps some chocolate.



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4 responses to “Jesus nirvana

  1. surrealsparrow

    You’re alive! Yay!

    Thanks for this post, I liked it. I am glad you are holding on to God. I’ve grown up in church, trying to please God, too. I have been unraveling in the past few months, shedding “religion” and discovering God and learning His true nature for myself.

    “let him forgive you, and then forgive yourself.”

    I’m stuck on that part, though. 😦 It seems like it ought to be so easy, what a gift, what love! but I can’t wrap my mind around it, believe, truly believe, and accept it. What was it like for you?

  2. talesofaswallow

    it’s hard to explain, but one day it just clicked and i thought to myself, “i am absolutely ridiculous”. but it was a long time coming. at one point i came to the point of total brokenness after messing up big time. i asked for God’s forgiveness, but for years i still struggled with forgiving myself. i don’t believe you can really be forgiven unless you forgive yourself, because if you don’t believe you can be forgiven, you can’t believe in the power of a forgiving God. and if you can’t let God forgive you, you can’t forgive yourself. it’s like trying to find the beginning of a circle.

  3. surrealsparrow

    I think you are right. I think that is exactly the source of my frustration.

    You just set off the little thing that clicked in my mind, too. Your little blog just touched someone’s life. Thank you. I am moving forward again.

    Perhaps this link will help you with interpreting your dreams. It always helps to clear things up for me. I hope it helps you to understand and confront whatever it is that is causing your chase dreams.

  4. ck

    that is an amazing post. people search their whole lives to find what you found. and it’s so simple that it’s pretty much impossible to take in…and believe. but once you believe…

    thank you for sharing something so beautiful.

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