i hope you had a marvelous thanksgiving, with much thanks given.
i’m so thankful for GOD, who is constant. i received some frightening news today, and i am clinging to that constancy right now.
i watched Blood Diamond tonight. very powerful movie. i don’t think will ever again be able to look at a diamond without crying. diamonds: they’re just not worth it.
i think tomorrow i will put up my christmas tree.
my what a week it’s been. and it’s still only the beginning.
in truth, i just want to be home. home home, with my family. curl up under a blanket and watch old movies with my mom. make up corny one-liners with my dad. eat homemade peppermint bark. smell the smokiness of the wood stove. hug my grammy. watch the snow gather on the pines and in the stubbly corn fields and on the rusted roof of the neighbors’ old barn.
but i’m not. and no matter how much i wallow in this self-pity, it won’t change the fact that i’m not home, nor will i be this Thanksgiving.
so i guess i’ll try to make the best of it all.
nostalgia knocking on my door tonight. i’ve been thinking about the church i attended during my college years. a teeny little graffiti-bathed building in the heart of the ghetto. 40 people max. i was the only white person.
and i have never been more loved in my life than in that little church.
it was a place where judgment ceased to exist, and where grace threatened to drown.
it was a place where women talked freely of forgiveness from abortions, strength to endure abusive boyfriends, and husbands in prison. where the men shared their desires to step up and be the Christ-like figures in their families.
i was known as “sister” and i never ran short of hugs.
sometimes the sermons ran 2-3 hours. and the singing. oh the singing. powerful is the only word.
i haven’t been back to that little inner city church since college. but i know i’ll be surprised to find another place like it…
i guess this isn’t really a very exciting post. not for you anyway.
it’s just i was thinking that sometimes, if you open up your eyes and your hearts, you may find belonging and acceptance in a place you’d least expect.
like a little white girl from a little white town in a little black church.
yes. i’m sick.
it hit me like a half hour after yesterday’s post.
i wandered all zombie-like through my work night. as the night progressed, so did the sickness.
it was not pretty.
when i came home, i drank hot organic chicken broth, blew my nose about a thousand times, fell asleep on the couch.
i’m actually feeling a lot better this morning, which is pretty weird. maybe i’m in the eye of the storm….?
regardless, i’m doing all i can to make sure that i get over this thing: more chicken broth, water, green tea, and “frequent cat naps” (only a true Will Ferrell fan can appreciate that one…).
hopefully i’ll be better enough go to jobs #1 & #2 tomorow.
good thing you dear blogging friends can’t catch it from me…
finally a chance to breathe. aaah. i’ve got a cup of hot green tea, so life is good. at the moment, anyway. it’s been a busy week..work, work, work. last night i went out with the girls. this morning i had a meeting at work, came home and caught up on housework, had lunch, and now i’m relaxing before i have to go back to work at 5 tonight. then it’s off to football, wings, and beer with friends.
so for now i’ll savor the quiet stillness. read, drink tea, reflect, thank GOD for His blessings for which i so often take for granted.
so next week is thanksgiving. it sure doesn’t feel like it, or at least, i don’t feel like it. i’m not sure what is wrong with me. i guess i’m just getting older. but i truly am thankful for so very much. most of all for grace. i realize that’s such a cheesy churchy thing to say, but it’s true. i’ve been in the miry pit. i’ve been without hope. and now i know.
Jesus is freaking awesome.
i’m also thankful for a whole bunch of little stupid things, like acorns, snow, tea, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string. ok, now i’m just stealing lines, but you get the idea.
what are you thankful for? feel free to be “stupid”.
another gloriously overcast november day. the earth is wrapped in browns, reds, and fading shades of yellow and orange; gray clouds hover like a woolen cloak. it’s the time for cider, being at home, fuzzy slippers, family, garlic mashed sweet potatoes, flannel sheets, down vests, soup, fleece jackets, candles, books, daydreaming, and introspection. at least for me.
i won’t get to be with my family this thanksgiving, and that makes me very sad. it will be the first time in all my 26 years. i get choked up every time i think about it. my family means the world to me.
onto happier thoughts:
- i will see my fam on christmas
- chance of snow this weekend
- chocolate covered kona coffee beans: a friend brought some home from hawaii for me. awesome!
- seeing Over the Rhine next month!!
- time to start making Christmas cards
lately i’ve noticed that i’ve lost my edge. my flavor. my saltiness.
it’s like i’m on a spiritually low sodium diet.
there is not much distinction in how i live compared to people who haven’t yet experienced the grace of Jesus.
and i’m wondering…am i being too free in my freedom in Christ?
there is not a day goes by that i am not thankful for grace and forgiveness. but am i just a user? do i need to get straight?
i think i’m desensitized, and that makes me sad.
at this point, the thought of trying to jump off this speeding “blandwagon” scares me. i think i’ve invested too much of my life riding on it. i’m like one of those trees that grows around a close object so much so that the object becomes embedded, just another part of me. and you just know it’s going to hurt like hell to get it out. i was walking through a sheep pasture once when i saw a tree that had grown over a strand of taut fence wire. the wire ran through the tree like the tree was just another fence post. it was pretty neat in that context. but in my life, not so much.
anyway, i’m not really looking for a solution. just talking outloud. internet-speaking, anyway.
i definitely want to change. but maybe not enough to do something about it.
sorry if that shocks you.
does anyone else ever feel like this?