finding me[mo]

sorry for the crappy posts lately. my writing has suffered dearly during my starbucks hiatus. but tonight, with my trusty starbucks cup by my side, here i am. grab some coffee yourself, this one’s going to be a doozie…

during the past few years i have undergone personal growth in a myriad of ways, some miniscule, some grand, but all wonderful. i have always gone through life at my own pace. i’m not saying i’m slow, it’s just that i have a totally different way of looking at things. maybe this is good in some ways, but in other ways, with regard to knowing myself, it can be scary. like julia robert’s character in Runaway Bride who didn’t know how she liked her eggs fixed so she adopted the favorites of her boy friend du jour, for most of my life i have tried to be someone i’m not, to be what other people wanted me to be. but in the past few years- and especially the past year and a half- i have slowly began getting to know who i am- who God made me to be- and celebrating that fact. so without further ado, here’s what i’ve been up to and what i have learned:

i learned that i love the outdoors! i always have actually…but it was after i drove through the Colorado Rockies, hiked Arches National Park in Utah, and heard elk herds calling to each other at Mt. St. Helens that i realized that it’s in the great outdoors where my heart sees and hears God the most.

after pouring cup after useless cup of misc. coffee beverages (caribou=crap) down my gullet, i finally found my true coffee identity: a starbucks grande hot soy caramel macchiato (faithfully with me tonight). i don’t even remember how i discovered it, but let me tell you, i drink it for me and not for anyone else.

i started recycling and lessening my ecological footprint. how can i contribute to the demise of the nature with which God speaks to me so clearly?

i discovered Indie music. enough said, really. here are a few of my favorite Indie artists: Elliott Smith, Bright Eyes, The Killers, The Decemberists, and Band of Horses. while i truly love stuff from just about every music genre, Indie Rock is my musical soul mate.

i am reading again! as a child/teenager i read all the time. something happened though in college. i guess i just got burned out from all the textbook assignments. nonetheless, since the past year, i have averaged about 3 books a month..i plan to up this, though. i have even read some books that i tried to start in high school but never finished- Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights. and i love them. i am trying to branch out, too, and read books that i never would have read in the past. i went to the library yesterday and i picked up “Into Thin Air”, Jon Krakauer’s personal account of the Mt. Everest disaster.

i haven’t graduated from college yet. and i should have 3 years ago. you see, i spent most of my college years on a course that my then-boyfriend said i should be on. and well, when that relationship ended (by my own hands) i was left in a major that was not me. and well, i couldn’t decide what major fit me, so i thought there was no use spending money to stay on a path to nowhere, so i stopped taking classes. at first this was a constant burden on me- especially because i heard it from my parents. i felt like i was letting them down. but i finally realized for myself that life is not about what degree you have, what career you pick, how much money you make. i didn’t want an accomplishment just for accomplishment’s sake. i don’t need a P.HD to tell me i’m valuable (yeah, i hear all you Dr.s saying, “Well that’s because you don’t have a P.HD.”) or to make me smart or happy. i’ve accepted me. and i do want to finish college someday- with an art degree, because that’s what i love, what i’ve always loved deep down.

i’m forming my own beliefs and political opinions, and i am listening to the other sides of the story that i never heard while growing up. since “Bowling for Columbine” came out, i have heard christian after christian bashing on it. well, i decided to see what the fuss was about, so i picked it up from the library and i watched it last night. i sobbed. and i have to say that i don’t think the people ragging on it have actually watched it. they say immediately, “Oooh Michael Moore. What a liberal.” well you know what? the more i have been thinking about it, Jesus was a liberal. that’s not to say i am adopting Michael Moore’s entire belief system, i’m just asking Jesus to help me keep an open mind and look at issues from an objective position- from his eyes.

i have stopped turning on the 6:00 news. i don’t need the media telling me what to be afraid of or commercials telling me what to buy. that said, i am still keeping up with current affairs -national and international- online. has become a daily ritual for me.

i rediscovered writing. i was in Power of the Pen in middle school and on the journalism team in high school. i have won writing competitions and my college english professor even told me i should make writing my career. you’re probably thinking, “What’s all the fuss about? This girl writes a load of crap.” well, that may be true, but the thing is, i’m writing for me, not for you, and i am loving it.

i have become a healthy eater. you won’t find refined white flour and white sugar at my house. i buy only products made with 100% whole wheat and raw cane sugar/evaporated cane juice- that means no high fructose corn syrup-if i want soda i drink naturally made stuff like Hansen’s or sparkling juice like Izze. and partially hydrogenated oils? they are the food of satan.

the apartment has undergone major organization at my merciless hands. everything now has a place- and i make sure that everything is put back into its place.

i have found my own sense of style in home decor. it’s a mix of the classic and contemporary- i call it Vintage Modern. i finally realized that i don’t have to have a perfect HGTV house. if you walked into my apartment you would find a mix of the past and the present, and a bit of humor. i love to find stuff at garage sales and in the attics, basements, garages, and barns of my family and friends. everything must have a story to be in my home. with my vintage tabletop fan collection, the pair of old windows from my grandparents’ house that now hang on my wall, the 1940’s Singer dressmaker form that is now wrapped in twinkle lights, and a porcelain-enameled gasoline sign, you will also find furniture with clean lines and contemporary art- even some of my own paintings. and of course, there are precious photographs of my family and friends.

i “just said no” to makeup and hair color-treatments. i still have issues with my looks, but i am trying to embrace them. i decided that if people can’t get past my looks, than they don’t deserve to know me. so i’m going to put the real me up front and center.

i played a video game-and i liked it-thanks to Nintendo Wii! i have never been a gaming person- when given the choice of a nintendo and a mountain bike after winning an essay contest, i chose the bike. i never regretted it, either. but after playing the fishing game on Wii Play, well, i’m hooked (sorry for the corny pun). i will never be the kind of person that spends my days in a darkened room playing halo with potato chip crumbs scattered across my chest, but i will not scorn all video games like i used to. i’m a new mii.

action movies rock! i used to be a strictly romantic comedies girl, but bruce willis (a.k.a john mcclane in die hard) changed everything. in fact, nowadays i actually have trouble sitting through an entire romantic comedy. give me a good action flick and i’m set.

i like beer! but i’m very picky- it has to be a nice stout or ale. give me Guinness or give me death. (Bud Light is urine water) i also have a soft spot for a bottle of Honey Brown (especially with some Honey BBQ wings from BW3’s). who knew that little me would be kicking back with a cold one?


and here is the best thing of all that has happened to me: i fell in love with Jesus, and i fell hard. not for the sunday school conservative republican “Jesus” that i grew up with, but the real one- the one who is radical, full of love, grace, and forgiveness, is concerned for the poor, loves prostitutes and drunkards, the one who went “all in” in the game of love for me. and now i’m going all in for him. he is my soul mate, the missing piece that is now there. i’m not preaching- in fact- i don’t trust preachers. but Jesus, let me tell you, he is one cool dude. (and most preachers just don’t get that fact right)


so there’s the story of me…thus far. i’m not finished yet and i can’t wait to discover more.


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