on love

oh gee. where to start.

this mystical, magical misunderstood thing we all search for.

Society (and of course, by society i mean those shamefully guilty-pleasure movies to which we girls all flock) says that finding love is making the right choice, finding the right person.

but i beg to differ.

love is not making the right choice. it is simply making the choice.

“For God so loved the world…”

why on earth (or HOW on earth) could we ever see ourselves as the right choice for God? He is perfect. so wonderful. if anything, he made the wrong choice in choosing us. we who can never, ever love him as much as he loves us. we who whore ourselves out to anything and everything. all the freaking time. i’m not sure i could deal with being married to someone who didn’t love me as much as i loved him.

so take it from God and choose love.

it is not easy, it is messy, it is painful, it very well may go against everything you want or could ever hope for.

but that’s love.

 

i hope all my blubbering makes sense, and that you can sift through the muck to find what i’m trying to say in my heart.

i am so grateful for the One who made the choice to love me, despite my un-rightness.

rainy days and wednesdays always get me down

yeah, i know that’s not how the song goes. and i’m not actually “down”, per se. alright, so sue me if i wanted a more creative title than “it’s wednesday and i can’t think of a good title because…well, a lot of things actually.” wow. did i actually go on that long? and i’m still doing it..

it’s been a busy last few weeks. lots of working, traveling, saying goodbyes, emotional drainage, yada, yada. my dear sister, her husband, and their 3 small children are moving to the DC area next month. i am so heartbroken!

ok…so i guess i am down.

magic

so today i saw a boy riding a unicycle while walking two chocolate labs. yeah. it was awesome.

finally found some black and white 620 film for my vintage Argus Super Seventy Five (circa 1958). i’m terribly excited to get out there and start shooting. next week i’ll have the perfect photo opp. as i’m heading up for a visit to my parents. lots of lovely trees and rustic barns to capture. i’m hoping for some sunny days since i currently do not have flash bulb for the camera. apparently they are dangerous, or so i’m told…

new pillow = no more sore neck. i am ecstatic. i guess it just goes to show that expensive does not always mean better. this $8.99 Target Bamboo/Cotton pillow is so showing up the $30.00 department store one i’ve had for a couple years.

blue skies today and no snow. had March weather yesterday. hope that’s over now.

i’ve been watching Lost for the first time. i’m addicted. i’m on disc 6 of season 1. it’s soo good. but there are a lot of things that bug me. mainly, if there are 48 survivors, why do we only know about the lives of, like, 10 people? that has always bugged me about tv shows and sitcoms. but it just seems even weirder when it happens on a deserted island…

buds opening in the forest undergrowth. it looks like green mist seeping through the trees. love it!

and that’s my magic today.

you?

Jesus nirvana

i’m sure that with this long hiatus, many of my readers have flown the coop. not that i had that many readers to begin with…

but here i am again, nonetheless. who knows for how long i’ll be here again…or how long my next blog hiatus will be.

i’ve had a rocky few months.

but i have discovered so much more about grace. 

i don’t say that to mean that my rocky few months have been spent cussing like a sailor and drinking like a fish, and therefore i needed the grace of God. i need grace ALL the freakin’ time. because whether i’m doing “big stuff” or “little stuff” (how in the heck did we come up with a sin ranking system?) without Jesus, i’m a miserable little shit before God. period.

i remember my professor in college telling me that the way to be saved is not praying a prayer to ask Jesus in to your heart. it’s the understanding of God’s grace through Jesus in our lives and our total need and dependence on it, and only it. not in what we do, but everything about what He has already done.

the past few months God has revealed himself to me in ways that are mindblowing and inexplicable (or unexplainable?). living in a total God moment and feeling the grace that can only come from him at a time when i needed it the most. and there were no doubts, no questions, no nothing. except for pure, childlike wonder and innocence that God had lifted me up and given me the strength to get through a really tough day.

i used to be the kind of person who thought i needed to read my Bible and pray every day and read Spiritual books and shop in the Christian bookstores so that i could make God happy.

and i’m in no way down-playing those things. they are great. and important (maybe not the Christian bookstores so much…)

but if i try to “get it right” for God, it will never, ever be enough.

i guess i don’t know what else to say. everything is coming out sounding cliched. but how do you explain Jesus nirvana? once you experience it, you know.

and this is not just some mountaintop experience. this is real. this is God. all the time. whether i’m having the worst day or the best day. it doesn’t change. God loves me. just the way i am. where i am. what i am.

so whatever a worthless pile of doo doo you are, it doesn’t matter. Jesus thinks you’re pretty awesome. let him forgive you, and then forgive yourself.

 

and that’s all i have.

 

off to a Lost marathon, matcha green tea, and perhaps some chocolate.

busy signal

busy. so very, very busy.

sigh.

and i’ve lost my writing inspiration.

but I thank God. because He is God. and He is the only One who will get me through this busy, busy time.

tonight…

i am:

listening to Calexico

thinking about the ruby red grapefruits i got at the grocery store today. mmmmm.

watching Big Love (season 2). Mormons totally fascinate me.

feeling totally disconnected from God, and the rest of the world, for that matter.

enjoying the warmer weather

striking yoga poses…and failing miserably.

still in my PJs.

feining for a road trip.

missing a friend.

swimming in antioxidants. thank you pomegranate juice and green tea.

hitting a wall somewhere.

owl be seeing you

i have owl fever. it’s true. i’m craaazy for them:

Quir-Keys Owl Key Covers from www.presentsofmind.tv and iPop Clicks magnets from www.boygirlparty.com

i only wish i had enough keys for all of these owls!

steam/snow

steam:

rising

from the aqua tea kettle, whistling me into the kitchen to brew my green tea.

from my breath as i walked to the mailbox. it’s 18 degrees.

from the hot bath i drew this morning. the perfect excuse to break into my Trader Joe’s Grapefruit & Chamomille Salt Scrub.

 

 

snow:

falling

on the trees like a Currier & Ives print

dancing

swirling

drifting

lifting

falling again

writing poetry on the the ground

in my eyes reflecting

a real-life snowglobe

heaven

 

i love winter.

Christmas in January!

it’s true. in 5-7 days, it will be Christmas again! in the past couple of days, i have ordered a bunch of stuff online. not all for me, mind you. a baby shower present for my niece, stuff for care-packages to send to my sisters and mom,  and well, ok, some stuff for me.

so here’s what i’ve been up to, internet shopping speaking:

www.amazon.com

www.oldnavy.com

www.presentsofmind.tv

www.bubbleandbee.com

www.parksidepapers.com

www.honeybeegardens.com

you readers no doubt have heard of Amazon and Old Navy, but you must check out the other sites as well. lots of fun stuff!

what are your favorite online shopping haunts?

another year gone, another year come

here it is. the obligatory “new year’s post”. the time to reveal resolutions and discuss the past year. to tell you the truth, the thought of sifting through the year overwhelms and bores me. but i think i owe it to 2008. so here goes: 2008, in bullet highlights.

• gave up conventional cosmetic products…now it’s all natural skincare, haircare, and no makeup.
• i read more than i have in a long time. i averaged about 2-3 books a month. my favorite books of the year were The Kite Runner, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, The Jane Austen Bookclub, The Art of Racing in the Rain, Searching for God Knows What, and all of the Twilight books (ok. go ahead and judge me. but they totally rocked!)
• struggled a lot on the spiritual level, but knew only grace and love from my Savior.
• saw Over the Rhine in concert TWICE. awesome.
• scored lots of cool old stuff. what can i say…i’m a junk junkie. my parents’ barn-o-treasures is Mecca.
• learned to appreciate who i am a bit more.
• saw some good movies (some old, some new). my favorites: Dark Knight, Amelie, Lars and the Real Girl, Interview With the Vampire, Little Miss Sunshine, and August Rush.
• discovered some awesome bands: Muse, Iron and Wine, Bright Eyes, and The Killers, to name a few.
• drank lots of spinach smoothies. mmmm.
• dog-sat for some very cool dogs: westies, poodle, lab, beagle. actually, 9 different dogs in all. thankfully not at the same time.
• switched to Crest toothpaste.

 

and here’s what i am looking forward to in 2009:

• travel to Seattle with my mom
• read more!
• the birth of my fourth niece/nephew
• yummy, healthy food
• lifting weights and running
• spend more time with my family
• paint more canvases
• take more pictures
• create masterpieces
• eat more chocolate…dark chocolate that is.
• remember to take my multivitamins
• Love God
• live happily ever after

what about you?

the euphoric

there is something beautiful about life when you can spill nearly 2 months worth of recycling in the parking lot on a windy day…and laugh about it. such was my life today.

i am convinced that snow is magic fairy dust. it falls on me, and i am transformed.

“Flightless Bird, American Mouth” by Iron & Wine is a new favorite of mine.

Dracula (the book) rocks!!!

i leave tomorrow morning for my parents’…yet again.

 

off to drink hot green tea and watch Veronica Mars (season 1)

 

nighty night.

i’m pseudo-back

back to work for a couple days, and then off again for another week or so to celebrate Christmas for the 4th time. the fun never ends…i hope not anyway.

i wish i had something more insightful and enlightening to share, but alas, i’ve got a terribly severe case of writer’s block…so i fear you’ll just have to listen to my typo-babble:

i desperately need some snow!

eating waaay too many m&m cookies that someone brought into the office.

had a super time with my family…and looking forward to seeing them again this weekend.

homemade peppermint bark ROCKS!

 

ok…that’s all i got. sorry.

sunday evening post

i had every intention of painting tonight, until, due to an inspired change of course, i realized i did not have enough red paint. i did, however, get the drawing part done. looks like a trip to the art supply store is a must this week. and then i shall complete my masterpiece: a japanese cherry tree on canvas -a Christmas gift for my dear sister. (don’t worry, she doesn’t read this blog, and if she did, she already knows what she’s getting.)

so, instead of painting, i’m doing laundry and listening to Bob Dylan.

won’t be working much this week. thank goodness, as i have much to get done before i head to my parents’ next week. i can hardly believe Christmas is just over a week away. when i was a little girl it seemed as though it would be forever until Christmas. but now the time just runs through my fingers.

forgot to mention i had the most delightful birthday. went to a fabulous pub for a pint and some shepherd’s pie. amazing.

well now, must run down and put my clothes in the dryer, have some supper, and perhaps another cup of green tea. oh, and watch some good old movies: Holiday and Christmas in Connecticut. love them!

good night, friends.

sitting home on a friday night (and loving it!)

it’s friday night and i prefer to be at home. what a loser i am…well, a happy loser, anyway.

i went grocery shopping this afternoon, but by 4:00, i was ready to shut down and curl up in the fetal position. i do not like dealing with the holiday shopping crowds. i grabbed some Chinese take-out, tuned into the classical radio station, and headed home.

now i’m enjoying a cup of hot green tea and some Christmas music.

i need to finish my Christmas cards and wrap some presents, so that’s probably what i’ll work on the rest of the night. 

what about you? how are you enjoying this cold Friday night?

on this night…

listening to my favorite Christmas song: O Come O Come Emmanuel (Chasing Furies version). it has such a beautiful ethereality about it. and the longing and desperation it conveys! how badly we needed a Savior, and at just the right time, God brought him. presents schmesents. He is what i want.

tomorrow is my…gasp…birthday! no really big plans, but i was able to get the day off from both jobs. it will be nice.

got the down comforter with the flannel duvet out of the linen closet tonight. just in time for the 50 degree weather. go figure.

 

and now some Christmas photograph cheer:

 

i got this tin at a garage sale a couple years ago for free. i love the vintage scene and the colors. it makes me happy.

somebody stop me!

two posts in one day! i haven’t done this in awhile.

 

i don’t have anything really worthwhile to say, other than hello to my faithful few readers.

 

listening to Trans-Siberian Orchestra (Christmas Canon Rock!) and drinking my fifth cup of hot green tea for the day. aah. it’s nice to relax. haven’t done much of that lately.

 

so i’ve been perplexed lately. i wish i had more to give, personally and monetarily speaking.

untitled (or I can’t think of a title)

haven’t much motivation for blogging these days. life is relentless, in good ways and in bad, but i’m cherishing this season that i love so much. my heart is full with love and grace and excitement to see my family! it’s all good.

here’s what i’ve been up to:

• working (a lot)
• making Christmas cards (i was up until 2:00 am making prototypes)
• drinking lots of hot green tea: it’s delicious, comforting, and, hopefully, staving off these nasty little illnesses going around.
• enjoying my Christmas decorations. oh so homey!
• Christmas parties!
• snuggling: my mom made me this awesome berber fleece blanket a few years ago. it’s glorious.
• watching Christmasy movies: Meet Me in St. Louis and The Family Stone, to name a couple.
• sitting in candlelight

and here’s what i will be doing this week, aside from the obvious “working”:

• baking whole wheat Christmas cookies (oh sweet heaven!)
• grocery shopping
• making chicken burritos
• more Christmas card making
• painting a special project
• a little gift shopping and then wrapping
• reflecting

oh, and it’s official: i will be going to see Over the Rhine in just a couple weeks! yay!

so that’s my life, in 193 words

it’s friday…

hello friends.

i hope you had a marvelous thanksgiving, with much thanks given.

i’m so thankful for GOD, who is constant. i received some frightening news today, and i am clinging to that constancy right now.

i watched Blood Diamond  tonight. very powerful movie. i don’t think will ever again be able to look at a diamond without crying. diamonds: they’re just not worth it.

i think tomorrow i will put up my christmas tree.

wallowing…

my what a week it’s been. and it’s still only the beginning.

in truth, i just want to be home. home home, with my family. curl up under a blanket and watch old movies with my mom. make up corny one-liners with my dad. eat homemade peppermint bark. smell the smokiness of the wood stove. hug my grammy. watch the snow gather on the pines and in the stubbly corn fields and on the rusted roof of the neighbors’ old barn.

but i’m not. and no matter how much i wallow in this self-pity, it won’t change the fact that i’m not home, nor will i be this Thanksgiving.

so i guess i’ll try to make the best of it all.

any ideas?

the little church in the slums

nostalgia knocking on my door tonight. i’ve been thinking about the church i attended during my college years. a teeny little graffiti-bathed building in the heart of the ghetto. 40 people max. i was the only white person.

and i have never been more loved in my life than in that little church.

it was a place where judgment ceased to exist, and where grace threatened to drown.

it was a place where women talked freely of forgiveness from abortions, strength to endure abusive boyfriends, and husbands in prison. where the men shared their desires to step up and be the Christ-like figures in their families.

i was known as “sister” and i never ran short of hugs.

sometimes the sermons ran 2-3 hours. and the singing. oh the singing. powerful is the only word.

i haven’t been back to that little inner city church since college. but i know i’ll be surprised to find another place like it…

i guess this isn’t really a very exciting post. not for you anyway.

it’s just i was thinking that sometimes, if you open up your eyes and your hearts, you may find belonging and acceptance in a place you’d least expect.

like a little white girl from a little white town in a little black church.

praise God!